bubble bath and floating candles

and relaxing music to sooth my mind before i go out.

L O V E

so there's this blog that i discovered and i'm obsessed. it's absolutely beautiful. it brings you happiness, longing, sadness, tears, heart break, fulfillment, everything. here's an entry:

My body might be shallow to the touch
We don’t mind though,
Do we?
Do you?
These girls are inside-out
I hope you get me right side-in.

And I think of that one night,
Together, breathing, twisted
Beautiful.
You saying you think I’m beautiful.
I tried so hard not to Cry.

Singing, skinny love, in your car
Do you remember how we started?
Basements.

Never a tear touched my pillow then
So how come now, when everything is perfect
I wake up crying?
I think,
What will I do…
When this is over.

I told you once that I like how we do things.
No months.
You told me we do things right.
Well,
I think we should celebrate.

We are only this young for so many twisted nights.
I want you to have them.
I want you to have it.
Why am I crying, and
Why am I afraid to say
I love you? You know I do.

and another:

I don't really know how to start this but i wanted to add a different type of love.

I have for the past 2 years been seriously ill,
i have had to give up everything that makes me,
such as my education,my freedom,my past times and my friends.

I don't think i could have had the will power to keep going on
if it wasn't from the support of my mum.

She is the one who takes me too and from the hospital.

She is the one who comforts me when i am in pain.

She is the one i tell everything too.

She is the one who believes in me and never doubts me.

She is the one who seen me at my lowest points and still tells me i look beautiful.

She is always there for me when ever i need her.

She is my best friend in the whole world.

I love her too pieces

I didn't realized till recently how incredibly lucky i am to have her.

good morning/afternoon!

this is what i wake up to every morning :-)

it's fucking spring break b1+ch3$!!!!

Do you ever have that weird feeling right below your breasts and right above your bellybutton? That gut-feeing almost. That indescribable but powerful unsettling feeling? Yeah, I have that right now and I hate it.

Peoples' emotions really rub off on me. The past few days I've been helping my friend out with some drama and sorts. The negative, depressed feelings exert off of him and attach on to me. The past couple days have been bummers. Although, today I can't really complain. I played in a moon-bounce with my girls. I felt like a kid again and it was the best freedom I could feel.

I want this.

with you...

to make it clear, this ain't heart-brake

i have never been good at holding grudges. i haven't ever really been good at being mad at someone. but there is one exception. you.

it's been so long but it lingers in my mind. everyday. i can't remember not ever remembering. everyday. can you even begin to understand? it's simple. no.

i believe i've dealt with it well. i'm not messed up or distant like i could be. i hope you know you haven't won. which i hope would make you happy.

you will never read this and i will never be able to tell you. this is as close as i could ever get to telling you how i feel because i never got the chance. back then all i felt was hurt and pain, anger and chaos. but most of all i was scared. most of all i was ashamed. of you. and secretly, of me.

judgment is powerful. consequence is terrifying. i guess that is why you chose this path. i guess that is why i am stronger. because i am facing it. i am growing. i am learning. i am living. but now because of you, i am not only dealing with anger and pain. i am also now living with a feeling of guilt. i hope you feel it too.

i have never been good at holding grudges but i hate you. hate is a strong word. but it is appropriate. i have never been this angry with someone. i hope this anger and this hate doesn't linger throughout my lifetime. but given that i will never face you again, it's tattooed a large indent into my soul. your choices were foolish and hurtful and i'm sure you are somehow aware. i'm sure you are regretful. i'm sure you are sorry, for this is what you said to me. but i know i can never forgive you, for if i do, you will be satisfied and i would have lied to myself.

i don't know where you are now. i never will. for you are somewhere beautiful maybe. or maybe somewhere dark and cold. i will never find you and i will never search. i will never look for answers. i will just move on as best i can because that is all i can do. you have given me strength and that is the only thing i could ever thank you for.

i totally forgot it was St. Patrick's Day until someone asked me if i was wearing green and pinched me when i said i wasn't. It looked so weird seeing so much green around campus. anyways, it's the perfect weather for tanning, so that's what i'm doing. HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!

Today someone took me to the most gorgeous place that overlooked the entire city. It was breathless.

SATs tomorrow. Fuck. Wish me luck.

I've always hated decisions. I still do.

I really really wish I could believe you. And I really really wish it weren't so complicated and confusing. And I really really wish I had the balls to just ask.