Reading back on my posts make me feel pathetic. I was so obsessed with you and I never realized the extent until now. It's embarrassing to be honest. It's kind of scary how much I cared about you and how little you cared about me. It's sad that I am only seeing this now and was so blind just a year ago. If only I saw then what I see now. I haven't revisited the past couple years with you in a while. Probably because Steven is in my life now. He's so much better than you, but then again you are both completely different people. I was so drawn to you. To your personality too, as much as I hate to say that. Your personality sucked though and I don't really understand why I was so into you. You reated everyone like crap, not just me. I know now you just strung me along because I was just a girl that would always be there if you ever wanted to hook up. Because I was always down, but I just gave you a hard time with it. Always demanding for some sort of feelings or affection. I wanted you to care. It still makes me sad that you never did. Part of me believes that maybe you did, at least a little bit. No one experienced the things we did together. You were always too into yourself and your music for girls but I was the exception. You actually took me out of dates. You actually held my hand and kissed me on several occasions. You would go to Kevin's just to see me at 2 in the morning, you told me secrets no one knew, you confided in me. But it didn't mask the real person you are. The arrogant, egotistical, hard working, ambitious, self-centered asshole that you are. You had to have cared at least a little, you sent me songs you wrote and recorded; you told me you wrote songs about me... I'll never understand you or the feelings you may or may not have had about me but I'm always going to hold some feelings for you. Probably because I lusted after you since 6th grade and because we both tempted each other until junior year when I finally got a taste of you. So bittersweet. So beautiful yet morbid. And that's probably why I will never be able to fully let go. I hated you, despised you, but all the while I longed for you. And I got you and lost you and got you again. It never seemed to end, and who knows maybe it never will. I do know we'll never connect, we'll never love or share anything special but I think we'll always be down for each other. It's funny to me how I wanted to find closure with you. I tried everything from distractions to hatred but I always came back full circle. I finally got my closure that last night we shared when I felt nothing. This is my closure too probably. I miss you I guess. Or more, I miss this fun little catastrophe I experienced with you. I know if you were a different, better person, it would have all been different. Maybe you would have cared more, respected me a little more, or maybe not. I know I wouldn't hate you but desire to get to know you like I do now. Maybe out lives would be different. But I am glad I experienced what I did with you. I don't know if I ever want to see you again. I fear it mostly. Fear that feelings might return or at least physical attraction. Fear that I'll fall back into what I used to feel I guess. But I know seeing you sooner or later is inevitable. I just wonder what it will be like.