all this money can't buy me a time machine

you hit me up last night. i don't know why i talked to you but i did. and i realized i really don't give a shit anymore. i just don't care. because in the back of my mind i know i want to talk to you. i want to be friends. "got mah middle finger up i don't really give a fuck"

i don't know what it is...i just don't care about the past or what shit went down or what i went through or how much i've been tripping. i just don't give a fuck. and it feels good. i know i'll regret it later becuase i will get hurt again, it's almost inevitable. but who really cares. i'll think about that later. i'm young. i'm naive. i'm stupid. so let me have fun. let me be wreckless. let me not give a shit. i'll deal with it later.

last night i watched two movies with a whole mess of my friends on a really comfortable couch curled up next to my friend with his arm around me. my head resting on his chest. god it felt so good. not even saying i like him sexually. he's my really good friend and i love him dearly. although it doesn't hurt that he's cute and has an amazing body. but just the comfort and warmth of it made me feel a lot better. although i somewhat dreaded last night it was exactly what i needed. to be with a whole bunch of friends having fun and watching movies. for a few hours i didn't think about all the crap in my life.

seriously my life is a fucking joke. i hate my life. i hate myself. i hate this asshole. i hate everything.



literally how can you do this to me? you know i still have feelings for you. they were so strong so of course it's going to take me a while to get over you. and then you fucking set it up so you can brag about some college girl who is "down". fuck you. you can't do this to me. how? why? thanks. thanks for telling me how she thought you were hot and how she's down for you dick and then fucking sending me a picture?! god, fuck you. you have no heart. you literally have no heart at all. you tell me this while i sit here like an idiot tripping out hurting. thanks. i'm glad you take such joy in making me feel like a piece of shit. i'm really glad. you are such an asshole. and the stupidest thing is that i know if you wanted me i would still go back to you. and that is what sucks the most. because you can toy around with me and i'll still go back to you like the pathetic fuck i am. why do i even like you? you aren't even a good person. and then this topping it all off....i'm such an idiot. i hate you so much. you asked me how guys were for me and i make sure i put it to you so you won't get too fazed from it and then BAM you lay it on me like you couldn't give two shits about the way i might feel. thank you. thank you you stupid fucking cunt. eat shit and die. i hate you.

you are a inconsiderate disrespectful heartless cold bastard.

http://radioactivekitty.tumblr.com

http://radioactivekitty.tumblr.com

http://radioactivekitty.tumblr.com

http://radioactivekitty.tumblr.com

http://radioactivekitty.tumblr.com

i'm really trying to do my homework. but my mind is everywhere. i can't concentrate at all. i need to get it done but i just can't. i can't do it right now. i can't think.

my neck hurts so bad. more than when i sleep on the floor. how odd.

so complete honesty....

i miss you. i didn't want to fall back into this. but i did. and i knew it was only time before i would go back to you. i know how horrible this is for me and how much potential there is for me to get hurt. but then again i always seem to set myself up for disaster. i put myself into situations with guys that will inevitably lead me to being let down. i always go for assholes.

except for once. but he's gone. and at the time i was so overwhelmed by him that i was so torn up over him leaving. but now that it's been a couple weeks i'm not broken over it. i guess the feelings i thought i developed for him were just intensified by the time i had spent with him. but now that there has been time between then and now, i realize that i didn't care as much as i thought i did. i do have my moments of missing him but it doesn't take a tole on me. i don't in any way feel as how i thought i would after he left. i'm actually incredibly proud of myself. the only thing that does hurt me is that he hasn't tried to contact me after all that happened but i guess that might be for the better although it's pretty fucked up of him. oh well. i feel as though he was my distraction. my way of trying to get over you. but that now seems impossible because i keep coming back to you. and i hate myself for it but i know if you were to pursue me it would be easy. because i now realize what i wanted from you was in little ways, ridiculous. i shouldn't have pushed you for what i wanted from you. i don't need that. i just want you to want me. i want to go back to how it was. i want it to be better than that but i know that the way you are, that's a lot to ask for. and i want to move on but i don't want to. it's so difficult to explain because i can't even fully understand it but i just know i miss you. i miss you you stupid bastard.

i have the urge to delete all my posts from this summer. but i'm resisting it because i know i'll regret it. i should keep it for memorabilia.

pathetic

all my posts are about guys and it's fucking ridiculous. welcome to my lame ass life haha

hi alena. i don't know if you're back from hawaii yet but i know when you read the posts i posted while you were away, you are going to think i am the biggest idiot on the planet. i think i am too. hah

whatever, idgaf. i'm just glad you're back or will be back sometime today. i fucking miss you. i never have to say that but now it truly applies. monday monday monday monday monday. i can't wait to see your tan ass.

anyways, i don't feel anything but i feel everything at the same time. i'm over it...but not over it at the same time. whatever. i'm not trippin, you're gone and i'm okay with that. i was just too into the moment. everything was so quick that it overwhelmed me and now i'm fine. of course i still have my moments of missing you but i just dgaf now.

why i like it?

because i no longer think about my problems. i no longer worry. i just don't give a fuck. i escape my mind. i just come up with stupid ideas and ridiculous epiphanies. i don't think about the hurt. i feel good. and that is why i've been doing this. and i know it's stupid. and i know i shouldn't. but i love having that outlet.

i remember alena writing this on ari's wall.... "i only get high to get rid of my lows."

Gettin' my niggas wit' daps and pounds

So if I fall I won't hit the ground

There are the things that'll make me smile

Knowin' this blunt might burn awhile

I keep myself so lifted

I am accustomed to new heights

I feel perfect though they think it's worthless

See without my flight

Man, everybody wanna be a critique

I have my life and I will live it

Shut your mouth before I fuck it

Ha, my jokes, they will love it

sometimes i'm okay. sometimes i feel like it isn't that bad. i feel like i can move on and get over how perfect it was. but sometimes it's like i'm drowning. like my heart is heavy. like it's crying. and i get a lump in my throat and a weird feeling in my gut. sometimes it's so bad that i feel nauseous.

and then i think how ridiculous i'm being. and what an idiot i am for doing this to myself. and how i need to let it go. because it's impossible and i know that. it's not even an option. and it's sad.

but within all this chaos, i'm happy.

because for the short time with you i felt as though i was comfortable. i felt special and wanted and lucky. i felt so good. and it's wonderful because even though nothing will happen further than what did with you, i got a taste of someone who was amazing. and you've set the bar. i can't settle for less now. because you were so good, so perfect. and now i just have to wait until i find someone that will make me feel the way you did for years instead of weeks.

so thank you because you have made me see that i can be entirely happy. and that i do deserve someone better than those of my past. that i can be completely and wonderfully comfortable.

and i thought i would go back to you after he left. and i can feel myself doing that. but i can also feel myself pulling away. because i know i deserve better. and i know that you will never treat me the way he did or put effort into seeing me the way he did. and that is why i am pulling away. because before he came along, you had set the bar. you were the one i was so entirely into. but now he's shown me so much more. and now i know i shouldn't settle for what you can give me. but you are all i have and that is why i'm just falling back to you little by little. i feel it. and i can't decide what to do.

I can't believe how unfair life is sometimes...

Find a way to close the door

I wanna say so much more but

I found you once

You're lost again

Two thousand miles took

What could have been

I don't want to

Won't let myself

I have to realize

This might be

This could be

This is

Goodbye

This is Goodbye.

i'm dying. this is fucking killing me. i literally don't know what to do with myself. i don't know if i should scream or laugh or cry. i hate this. i hate this. i hate this.

i need a fucking cigarette and i need you.

i'm dreading monday

i want to spend all today in bed wrapped up in the safety of my soft blankets with my kitty. i want to mope around and do nothing. i'm only up for spending time with one person and i don't think that's going to happen anytime soon now.

i didn't want it to be this way. i just wanted to have fun and not worry about feelings. i just wanted to kiss you and spend time with you. but i never wanted it to end up like this.

i did good too. it was all fun an play at first. and then that one moment fucked me up. and i don't know what it was but it was like i suddenly felt for you. and that's when all hell broke loose for me. i started developing feelings and that was stupid of me. i never wanted to feel anything for you past physical attraction.

but the time i spent with you was so good. i was comfortable. our personalities perfectly suit each other or so it feels like they do. i could be silly and stupid and weird and i wasn't afraid that you'd judge me. i could be myself and i've never felt like i could be that comfortable with someone so quickly. much less with a guy. i had so much fun with you. i laughed so much with you. i loved that you put effort into seeing me. you would drive a half hour to spend time with me. you would hold my hand or put your arm around me. you were funny and cute and tall and so incredibly sweet. i realized that you are exactly the type of guy i've wanted for so long. but you're leaving. and so that is why i can't express how i feel because i know nothing can happen.

and it sucks because i've finally found this amazing guy but you're leaving in 3 days. and i don't even know how you feel. i don't know if you actually care or if i was being used. it's probably a mixture of both, which is fine because we both knew from the beginning nothing would progress. and i hate myself for developing feelings because i never wanted that to happen.

i'm dreading monday...

my entire body hurts

btw, i'd also like to mention that shit always occurs around the same time for alena and i. my cat got sick and then soon after her cat got sick. now this...

oh my god.

that is all i can say.

btw, there's a new mayor in classy town.

i love you

i just read your blog. i love you. and you have no idea how much i will miss you the ten days you are away in fucking beautiful hawaii.

remember not to take pork down the road or take any lava rocks. LOL

i'm so fucking relieved no one reads this.

i felt something.

in that tiny moment i felt something.

i can't even describe it. it was like in that one short second i felt something click. i literally felt a shift in my feelings. and i'm so incredibly fucked because i'm entirely too late. and you're entirely too late. and i don't even know how you feel and i just now realized how i feel to a certain extent. and i'm not going to even ask you because you're leaving. and i should not,cannot, develop feelings. i'm so fucked. that one moment fucked me up. and it's sad because you're leaving in a week. and it's sad because i have no idea if i'm just some useless chick or if you actually like me as a person. i'm literally just so fucked. and i knew this would happen. but i'm happy it did. even though i have no idea how you feel about me and i don't even entirely know how i feel about you, i'm really glad it happened.

dude we are soooo fucking faydeddd. ari just fell asleep and then fucking jumped like he fell in his dream. LMFAOOOOO!

i know it's going to kill me when i see you.

so i decided to leave a post because who the fuck reads them anyways...no one.

he's left his mark. actually two. but he's leaving in a matter of days to college. and i can't tell how i feel about that.

it was so different. so different from you. like an opposite. it was intense. not tender. not like you. my neck feels a little bit bruised and my lip hurts a little bit. and i'm not saying i didn't like it. i did, it was nice. but it made me miss you. miss your hands and your lips and resting my head on your chest. made me miss your hands grazing my arms and back and stomach. made me miss soft kisses and you looking into my eyes. and the thing is, i didn't even think about you the whole time until i was laying in bed going over the events of the night. and i think you stop me from ever truly feeling anything for anyone else. and i think that is because i'm not over you. and i need to get to the point of not having feelings for you. but i'm stuck on this hope that you're going to realize how much you care. and i know the chances of that happening is slim to none but that tiny chance is making me hold on. and i really really want to get over you. i wish every feeling i have for you would vanish. that you would just be another boy that i want as a friend and nothing more. but i just can't get over this. and it sucks because i like this guy. he's a great person and he is so much better than you. he's just not you. and i feel guilty. because he has no idea. and i don't even know if he would care since he's leaving soon anyways. i'm probably just getting used by him and i'm not sure if it even bothers me. i don't even know what the fuck i'm doing or how i feel. i'm a confused wreck right now. all i know is that i have this unsettling feeling in my gut and i don't know what it means.

anyways, it just kills me how everything goes back to you. because i'm sure i haven't even crossed your mind.

the first thing i did after he left was get ice

i could write a post about it, but i don't really want to.

i should feel something right? but i don't. that's a lie. i do feel something. it's just a feeling i don't want to feel.

i really just want a day with my best friend so can we please hang out friday?

dear alena,

just read your post. which reminded me, we never went to see Get Him To The Greek faded.

this post is just for alena cohen.

because i just read your blog and so i felt i should post something.

also because i'm watching this really scary movie that is literally freaking me the fuck out and i'm really really scared but i can't turn it off because it's one of the very few movies that is actually scaring me. we have to watch it sometime. it's called Seventh Moon. i'm really fucking freaking out. it's one of those movies where you either think it's so stupid it's funny or you freak out. and i'm freaking outttt. holy fucking shit.

yeah, so here's your post. i'll make sure to post another tomorrow. as long as you do too.

we both shaved our legs for nothing. actually you're just stupid. but that's alright because i am too. we're both stupid and that's why we're best friends. i might chill with him tomorrow and then you know what will happen. yeah, i'm stupid. we both can't say anything because we're just stupid. ahaha stupid. i love youuu.

here's some coconuts for you.

p.s. i just had the most amazing idea. we should smoke out of a coconut! i just spent like 3 minutes researching it and someone did it. lolz

this fucking movie is still scaring the crap out of meeeee. i'm really scared i feel like crying. shitshitshit. idk why i'm tripping over this movie so much.

okay this post is ridiculous. peace out nigga. love you

i shaved for nothing

i always set myself up to get hurt one way or another. haha i'm actually laughing at how pathetic i am. i shouldn't expect happiness anymore. i shouldn't expect anything good to happen anymore. i'm always getting let down.

i met a guy and he's leaving in two weeks for college. yeah, that's how my life works. and once he's gone i'll probably go back to you even though i know that's possibly the worst thing i can do. but i have no one else. i am fucking pathetic. ahahahahahhahahahahaha i am so fucking pathetic. pathetic. pathetic. pathetic. the best word to describe me. pathetic.

i am actually so fucking relieved no one i know knows about this blog. i post some pretty personal shit on here. thank god only one person reads this.