i remember

that day....

going to lunch and having wonderful conversations. noticing how incredibly beautiful your eyes are. how i couldn't look away. how you told me they changed from blue to green sometimes. how i was fascinated. how you took me to that hill. that hill that overlooked the entire city. how it was beautiful and the sky was clear. how we shared our first kiss there. how you wrapped your arms around me. how it was probably one of the most beautiful moments, in my mind at least. how everytime i return to that hill all i have are flashbacks. how you held my hand while you drove on the way back singing "I'll Follow You Into The Dark". how i was simply so happy. how i was happy that this finally happened after so many years of never pursuing this. how nice it was. how much i miss it. how much i will never let it go back to this. how much i really hope i can keep that promise to myself even though i know i'll probably give in.

and honestly, thinking back on all of this makes me really depressed. i miss what used to be.

i know i haven't posted in a while...i just don't know what to say. i just don't feel like talking about it. i just don't even know what's going on anymore.

i'm addicted to the black keys. they're all i've been listening to for the past few days. i'm on a search to find a concert sometime soon and see them.

steven has given me a whole new outlook on music. i now appreciate it so much more than i have before.

it's ten and i'm about to go to bed. i was planning on sleeping at nine but that didn't work out so well. i'm fucking exhausted. i really don't know why either. it's not like i have a lot of homework. i've literally only had homework about 5 times so far this year. my schedule is really easy and i'm never worried about work. i guess it could be all the conditioning i do but i'm just incredibly sleep deprived. i'm even having a hard time writing this because i'm so sleepy. anyways it feels nice to go to bed early. usually i can't sleep until after eleven because my body just won't allow it. but i took a two hour nap tonight and now i'm going to bed early. hopefully i'll wake up rejuvinated lol.

gnight beauties. aka alena, since you're the only one that reads this, which is kind of silly that i write all this shit since i tell you all of it anyways in greater detail but i guess it's more for the benefit of myself to write down how i currently feel etc. ha whatevz, love you.

p.s. i get out at 10:40 tomorrow! whoooo and then i'm skipping school on wednesday since its psat and i don't have to take that shit. and i don't want to go on the senior field trip to ucla and i only have one class that day, so i'd rather just sleep in. :-)

kay, peace.

I hate myself....

for missing you. When I see you all I feel is hate, but way deep inside of me I miss you so much. I miss holding your hand; something so simple as that. Because it's something I never expected to do with you, because it's something I feel you don't do often at all. After all this time it kills me because I want you but I won't allow myself to ever give in. With all these things I miss, I just don't think you can ever satisfy this image of what I want with you, just being the type of person you are. I wish every feeling I have for you would vanish but that seems impossible. And I can't even have a decent amount of feelings for anyone else because you get in the way. I feel bad if I get too close with someone else knowing my feelings for you still linger.

Back to you,

it always comes around

back to you.

I tried to forget you,

I tried to stay away,

but it's too late.

Over you,

I'm never over,

over you.

There's something about you,

it's just the way you move.

The way you move me.

I'm so good at forgetting.

And I quit every game I've played,

but forgive me love,

I can't turn and walk away.

so today i got a piece at this place where the worker was a total cunt. and i found the blacks i've been looking for for over three years. they taste so good and the cloves smell so nice but it's really strong. i also got a really ugly skirt that's so ugly, it's cute.

success