#PersonalPost pls dnt make me make the wrong choice

#pp i am just energy and my body is only the vessel

#pp i am just energy and i think that is beautiful

#pp i am just energy and i am beautiful

#pp i don’t need anyone to be happy

#pp i never thought i needed anyone to be happy

#pp but then i realized that i’m more dependent than i thought

#pp i used to be scared of commitment (and i still am)

#pp but now i’m more scared to be alone

#pp scared to be left with myself

#pp we both know we have so much growing to do

#pp i want to be okay with whatever directions we grow

#pp whether it’s together or apart i know we’ll always be there 

#pp but it kills me to think of the paths apart

#pp even though i have so much life i want to live

#pp we depend on each other and maybe that makes us scared

#pp we need each other and maybe that keeps us strong

#pp i love you when i don’t say it

#pp i love you when you can’t say it

#pp we’re both fucked up but we’re fucked up together

#pp maybe that’s love

#pp maybe it isn’t

#pp i know you love me even when you can’t say it

#pp the good outweighs the bad

#pp by far (at least in my opinion)

#pp i wish you saw yourself in my eyes and i saw myself in yours

#pp maybe then we’d both be happy and perfectly in love

#pp i love you i loved you i love you i loved you i love you i loved you i love you i loved you i love you i loved you i love you i loved you i love you i loved you i love you i loved you i love you i loved you i love you i think i think too much

#pp and that’s my problem

#pp because i want to be happy and i want to feel internal peace

#pp i know you do too

#pp but i have so much darkness

#pp and i love how comforting that darkness is

#pp i know you do too

#pp i don’t need anyone to be happy

#pp but i need you

#pp sometimes i don’t want to need you and sometimes i do

#pp i am just energy and so are you

#pp our bodies are only vessels

#pp we worry so much and try to find the answers to everything

#pp but it doesn’t even fucking matter

#pp we are just fucking energy

#pp i want to let it all go

#pp all of it

#pp i want to be okay with letting whatever happen happen

#pp some things aren’t meant to be discovered and everything needs to be let go

#pp we need to discover ourselves (together or alone)

#pp then we will find the peace we truly need

#pp i feel myself falling

#pp i feel myself drowning

#pp i thought i escaped this

#pp but i never do

#pp i want to liberate myself from myself

#pp i’m going to find my peace within my darkness

#pp i’m going to find my darkness within my peace

#pp and i’m going to help you do it too

#pp (if you let me)

Reading back on my posts make me feel pathetic. I was so obsessed with you and I never realized the extent until now. It's embarrassing to be honest. It's kind of scary how much I cared about you and how little you cared about me. It's sad that I am only seeing this now and was so blind just a year ago. If only I saw then what I see now. I haven't revisited the past couple years with you in a while. Probably because Steven is in my life now. He's so much better than you, but then again you are both completely different people. I was so drawn to you. To your personality too, as much as I hate to say that. Your personality sucked though and I don't really understand why I was so into you. You reated everyone like crap, not just me. I know now you just strung me along because I was just a girl that would always be there if you ever wanted to hook up. Because I was always down, but I just gave you a hard time with it. Always demanding for some sort of feelings or affection. I wanted you to care. It still makes me sad that you never did. Part of me believes that maybe you did, at least a little bit. No one experienced the things we did together. You were always too into yourself and your music for girls but I was the exception. You actually took me out of dates. You actually held my hand and kissed me on several occasions. You would go to Kevin's just to see me at 2 in the morning, you told me secrets no one knew, you confided in me. But it didn't mask the real person you are. The arrogant, egotistical, hard working, ambitious, self-centered asshole that you are. You had to have cared at least a little, you sent me songs you wrote and recorded; you told me you wrote songs about me... I'll never understand you or the feelings you may or may not have had about me but I'm always going to hold some feelings for you. Probably because I lusted after you since 6th grade and because we both tempted each other until junior year when I finally got a taste of you. So bittersweet. So beautiful yet morbid. And that's probably why I will never be able to fully let go. I hated you, despised you, but all the while I longed for you. And I got you and lost you and got you again. It never seemed to end, and who knows maybe it never will. I do know we'll never connect, we'll never love or share anything special but I think we'll always be down for each other. It's funny to me how I wanted to find closure with you. I tried everything from distractions to hatred but I always came back full circle. I finally got my closure that last night we shared when I felt nothing. This is my closure too probably. I miss you I guess. Or more, I miss this fun little catastrophe I experienced with you. I know if you were a different, better person, it would have all been different. Maybe you would have cared more, respected me a little more, or maybe not. I know I wouldn't hate you but desire to get to know you like I do now. Maybe out lives would be different. But I am glad I experienced what I did with you. I don't know if I ever want to see you again. I fear it mostly. Fear that feelings might return or at least physical attraction. Fear that I'll fall back into what I used to feel I guess. But I know seeing you sooner or later is inevitable. I just wonder what it will be like.

Well it's been a while...

My English class is so retarded. My teacher is so boring and all he does is lecture about stupid shit that doesn't relate to the material we have to write about in 5 pages every fucking week. Goddddddammmm. Ugh. I also only have one class Tuesday's and Thursday's now. And no classes Friday.
I just want to be home. Mondays suck I'm tired and drained and feel like shit and definitely getting sick. I don't even know what I'm doing for Halloween yet

I was looking back at my tumblr posts from about a month ago and there was one post where i wrote about how i missed being around people i actually wanted to be around. now that i think about it there has never really been anyone that i wanted to be around except for my best friend. she's actually my only real friend. i always get sick of everyone. even my close "friends" i get sick of. they get on my nerves and i just don't want to deal with them. alena is the only person i have never hated.

i literally have no friends. no friends that truly interest me. no one besides alena that i feel completely comfortable with. is this a sad thing? or is this normal?

today nicole asked me to go with her to smoke a cigarette. we chatted about prom and rolling at grad night and nathaniel and her relationship with her boyfriend. she told me that she's moving in with him and that she can see herself marrying him. usually i would think it's ridiculous to say that as a teenager but the way she explained it, i believe her for the most part. and she told me about her relationship with nathaniel and stuff. she's so funny and insane but so chill. i really like her as a person and we're becoming friends. 

i've reached a new level...
now i just dgaf. smokin weed in mah room cuz i'm too lazy to go outside.

once i finally realized the real person you are. the real way that you treat people. the real way that you treated me. the lack of respect and sincerity that you showed me. once i realized who you really are, it made it that much easier to move on. 
no i have not moved on completely. i still care for you and i always will. but i no longer want you the way i did before. 
we're becoming friends and that's what i want. i want to get to know you from a friend perspective. i don't want to think of you as this shady asshole but it's going to be very difficult for you to change my perspective of you. i don't think i will ever see you as a good person. i don't think you're a shitty person because i've realized you're just lost. you're as lost as i am. you don't know how to deal with your feelings. 
this is my assumption though. which deems it unreliable. all i've been doing is assuming shit with you. from your feelings to the way you are. and i've been pretty inaccurate so far. 


this post is so stupid. i feel like i just say the same thing over and over again. 


going to smoke a bowl then take a shower. peace out

wait...i just have to make a post about prom......


1. we were late to preprom champagne party because we were getting our make up done.
2. it was really fucking awkward at preprom because miranda and anna and garrett were there.
3. the party bus there was really awk too because i had to see garrett and anna's pda...gross
4. prom was lame as fuck but i was drunk so it was all good.
5. i don't know what i would have done if alena wasn't there.
6. seeing zane and nora was really fucking awk too.
7. the food sucked.
8. my prom date is hooking up with my good friend. it's not awk though because i love them both. my prom date was just never with me haha
9. i'm happy nic won prom king but it sucks that ea didn't win prom queen.
10. the party bus back to kevin's was awk as fuck because garrett and anna sat across from me and were holding hands and it was killing me. like....why can he do that with her but not me...do i have some disease or something? that's the only thing that hurts me....
11. josh is really fucking creepy. once i got drunk he kept trying to dance with me and get "couch time"...awk
12. nicole is so fucking funny
13. i got really drunk so everything is hazy
14. ea fucking is the queen at dancing sexually with guys...god i have no idea how she does it...
15. everyone was so fucked up it was great
16. one of the smartest guys in my grade got drunk and passed out hahaha
17. everyone was dancing
18. jasmine kinji is great. even though she was haley's date...ohwell haha
19. i sat on nathaniel's lap haha
20. i hooked up with haley... :-)
21. nic and haley tried to get alena and i to go back to their hotel with them....
22. kristen went crazy at her afterprom hahahahhhahahaha
23. i hooked up with nathaniel. and it was cute cuz he did cute stuff cuz he's in love with me haha
24. josh gave us free dank weed
25. alena stole someone's bomb ass grinder
26. it was nice to sleep in a bed and not the floor
27. it was a good afterprom
28. i didn't puke! :-)
29. i had no hangover the next day

me and kevyboo

namjaaaa

my prom date<3

favorite people

:-)

<3

my best friend in the entire world

My art teacher fucking hates me. But I guess that feeling is mutual.
He's so mean to me...... wahhh.

i literally come to school every day and i sit in class and all i think about is how much i hate everyone here. 
today my body hates me. it feels gross and sore and unhappy. 
last night i was texting one of my "exes" josh really randomly and he thinks i'm unhappy now. lol and i was really high so i thought it was so funny when he told me how i have so much going for me and how he was basically trying to cheer me up and make me see that i have things to look forward to so i shouldn't be sad. lol it was nice of him but i really didn't need a lecture on being happy. 
i made a list of my physical insecurities and it's not a very happy list. 
lastly i think i'm getting over mr. douche bag. it's not that i wouldn't hook up with him if i was drunk or that i have no feelings for him. i do they just aren't as strong and vibrant as they were a month ago. i don't want to try and pursue hooking up with him. i will always care about him, i don't know why but i know i always will. i just don't want him like i used to. 


thingz are lookin up but also looking down. 

everyday chillin in the quad

LIFE

first i wanted you
and then i got you
and then i lost you
and then i longed for you
and then i got you
and then i walked away
and now i miss you

I FEEL SO MUCH YET FEEL NOTHING AT ALL