I finally feel like I'm getting over you. Little by little at least. Last weekend I was talking to David about how I was hopelessly unable to get over you. I told him that I hated the way you were around your peers and I liked the way you were when it was only me and you. And he told me how I think that's the real you. I think you're really this sincere guy but that's not who you truly are and it makes sense. You would be your true self around your friends that you are completely comfortable around and that person you are in front of them is not the you I'm attracted to. Maybe smoking with you really was the trigger to move on or maybe it was what David said. I realized that I was being unrealistic. You will never act the way I would want you to act or be the person I would want you to be. It just doesn't work out like that. I can't even explain what I'm feeling right now. In a way I'm relieved that I'm realizing all of this, but at the same time it terrifies and saddens me. And I hope this won't make me go back to being infatuated with you, I know getting over you is what I need most. But it just aches a little to not have those feelings I did just last week for you. You weren't at school today and maybe it's helping, or maybe when I see you next all the feelings will come rushing back. I really want to say that I won't let them, because I do know that he could never be all that I want him to be but I just don't know if I'll ever be able to fully let go of the idea of him.

Even though I can't wait to move out of LA and start a new life somewhere, preferably San francisco, I'm completely terrified to. I know I will miss this city and all the special people and things and places more than anything. I will miss my family and my cat and my friends. But I'll especially miss my best friend. I just want her and my kitty to come with me. I don't know how to live without Alena. I don't know how I will survive without seeing her every weekend. Especially since SF is 6 hours away. And it makes me re think how far I actually want to go. That's why I can't wait until I find out what colleges I'm getting in to. But the thought of moving to SF excites me beyond words. I fell in love with the city and the way it made me feel. And it's exciting to think I'm leaving LA and high school. But I know when the time actually comes I won't know what to do with myself. I'll be terrified and sad and I know I will get so homesick. I really don't want to leave Alena. I really really really don't want to. Ugh. I want her to come with me! Ugh. It sucks that she's in a grade younger than me. Why couldn't she just be a senior too? Then we could both go somewhere. It sucks. Literally sucks. I know people say that they still remain friends with their best friends even when you move to a different city or state or even country for college. But my friendship with Alena is different from all those friendships. We've literally been best friends since before birth. She's my other half and the only person I can depend on to love me through whatever for the rest of my life. It scares the fuck out of me to think that I will be far from her. I don't know how to separate myself from her. And it honestly scares me more than anything that I'll go to a different city and we'll slowly fall apart and find new friends and replace each other. And I know that we'll always be best friends, I just don't want to lose the strong bond we have. It makes me sad. I want to go to SF. Really, I do. I just don't think I could be that far from my best friend. I don't want to be. And it tears me apart. I don't know what to do.