my neck hurts so bad. more than when i sleep on the floor. how odd.

so complete honesty....

i miss you. i didn't want to fall back into this. but i did. and i knew it was only time before i would go back to you. i know how horrible this is for me and how much potential there is for me to get hurt. but then again i always seem to set myself up for disaster. i put myself into situations with guys that will inevitably lead me to being let down. i always go for assholes.

except for once. but he's gone. and at the time i was so overwhelmed by him that i was so torn up over him leaving. but now that it's been a couple weeks i'm not broken over it. i guess the feelings i thought i developed for him were just intensified by the time i had spent with him. but now that there has been time between then and now, i realize that i didn't care as much as i thought i did. i do have my moments of missing him but it doesn't take a tole on me. i don't in any way feel as how i thought i would after he left. i'm actually incredibly proud of myself. the only thing that does hurt me is that he hasn't tried to contact me after all that happened but i guess that might be for the better although it's pretty fucked up of him. oh well. i feel as though he was my distraction. my way of trying to get over you. but that now seems impossible because i keep coming back to you. and i hate myself for it but i know if you were to pursue me it would be easy. because i now realize what i wanted from you was in little ways, ridiculous. i shouldn't have pushed you for what i wanted from you. i don't need that. i just want you to want me. i want to go back to how it was. i want it to be better than that but i know that the way you are, that's a lot to ask for. and i want to move on but i don't want to. it's so difficult to explain because i can't even fully understand it but i just know i miss you. i miss you you stupid bastard.