to make it clear, this ain't heart-brake

i have never been good at holding grudges. i haven't ever really been good at being mad at someone. but there is one exception. you.

it's been so long but it lingers in my mind. everyday. i can't remember not ever remembering. everyday. can you even begin to understand? it's simple. no.

i believe i've dealt with it well. i'm not messed up or distant like i could be. i hope you know you haven't won. which i hope would make you happy.

you will never read this and i will never be able to tell you. this is as close as i could ever get to telling you how i feel because i never got the chance. back then all i felt was hurt and pain, anger and chaos. but most of all i was scared. most of all i was ashamed. of you. and secretly, of me.

judgment is powerful. consequence is terrifying. i guess that is why you chose this path. i guess that is why i am stronger. because i am facing it. i am growing. i am learning. i am living. but now because of you, i am not only dealing with anger and pain. i am also now living with a feeling of guilt. i hope you feel it too.

i have never been good at holding grudges but i hate you. hate is a strong word. but it is appropriate. i have never been this angry with someone. i hope this anger and this hate doesn't linger throughout my lifetime. but given that i will never face you again, it's tattooed a large indent into my soul. your choices were foolish and hurtful and i'm sure you are somehow aware. i'm sure you are regretful. i'm sure you are sorry, for this is what you said to me. but i know i can never forgive you, for if i do, you will be satisfied and i would have lied to myself.

i don't know where you are now. i never will. for you are somewhere beautiful maybe. or maybe somewhere dark and cold. i will never find you and i will never search. i will never look for answers. i will just move on as best i can because that is all i can do. you have given me strength and that is the only thing i could ever thank you for.

i totally forgot it was St. Patrick's Day until someone asked me if i was wearing green and pinched me when i said i wasn't. It looked so weird seeing so much green around campus. anyways, it's the perfect weather for tanning, so that's what i'm doing. HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!

Today someone took me to the most gorgeous place that overlooked the entire city. It was breathless.

SATs tomorrow. Fuck. Wish me luck.

I've always hated decisions. I still do.

I really really wish I could believe you. And I really really wish it weren't so complicated and confusing. And I really really wish I had the balls to just ask.

Either I suck at reading you or you're good at playing games.

SHE BELIEVED

I like Cat$

I wish I didn't like boys and I didn't like girls and I only liked myself and I was perfectly fine with that.

today i felt like....

I hate those days when you experience a sequence of bad moods and unfortunate news. Today was horrible. The weather was gloomy and depressing. And only one thing made me smile. I hope it rains tomorrow. Or is beautifully sunny.

I wish I had pretty lips.

"I don't just want your heart. I want your

flesh, your skin and blood and bones, your

voice, your thoughts, your pulse- and most of

all, your fingerprints, everywhere."

BTW, I'D LOVE SOME FLOWERS FOR VALENTINE'S DAY.