REALIZATION

i'm not going to waste my summer waiting around for you. fuck that. i'm going to let go because it's not worth it. why are you even worth it? right now, you're not. i'm going to have fun. i'm going to go out and meet new people and do what i please. i don't care about judgements. i don't care what you do. because it's stupid to mope around over you. you're not that special. it's not smart to do that over anyone. i'm going to go out and have fun. so screw you.

i can do so much better.

so that's what i'll do.

those three words...

NOTHING. LASTS. FOREVER.

I'm getting over you. I'm getting over you. I'm getting over you. I'm getting over you. I'm getting over you. I'm getting over you. I'm getting over you. I'm getting over you. I'm getting over you. I'm getting over you. I'm getting over you. I'm getting over you. I'm getting over you. I'm getting over you. I'm getting over you. I'm getting over you. I'm getting over you. I'm getting over you. I'm getting over you. I'm getting over you. I'm getting over you. I'm getting over you. I'm getting over you. I'm getting over you. I'm getting over you. I'm getting over you. I'm getting over you.

and it feels so fucking good. i don't know if it will last but i sure hope it does. maybe i'll be stuck on you again soon, who knows. but right now i just don't care about you and that my friend, that feels good. because i shouldn't be stuck on an asshole like you.

easier said than done. haha. but right now i'm over it and it feels so damn good so screw you bitch. :-)

i am like a fucking broken record.

i

need

to

get

over

you

but

i

can't

i literally disgust myself. i'm a pathetic fuck. i hate myself.

so yeah...

i've met so many new people this summer. but none of them compare to you. not in my eyes anyways. i mean yeah, they are much better people than you are. they would treat me better than you would. but they aren't you. and it's really sad that after everything i know and heard and experienced with you, that these guys don't even compare.

i've never in my entire life been like this over a guy. usually i get sick of them really easily. that's why i usually can't date guys from school. i can't see someone every day because i'll just get annoyed with them and i'll start to pull away. but with you it's different. i've never liked any guy for as long as i've liked you, 7th grade. maybe even 6th.

i always get over guys easily. but not you. i really need to though. i keep telling myself that. but i can't. and it kills me. because i deserve so much more. but it's like i don't care if i hurt or cry because i'm ignorant. i want what i want even if it hurts me more to have you in my life than to not have you in it.

i just want you to realize. fucking realize. i want you to miss me. because i miss you. and i really hate that. god, why would you feed me all this bullshit? you filled me with false hope. and now i'm holding onto that.

i just want to find a guy who will treat me right and make me feel special. but i can't. i can't because i'm still stuck on you.

i wish you would hook up with her. it would make it so much easier to get the fuck over you. either that or it'd kill me. i'm hoping it would be the first one. i'm hoping it would piss me off and make me hate you.

i keep going back to you

i wish i could put how i feel into words. i'm so mad at you. i'm so disappointed in you. i'm so hurt by you. i know i should keep away from you. physically and mentally. but i don't want to and my mind wont let me. i just want you.

sometimes i wish i never spoke my mind. and som

etimes i wish i could tell you everything i'm thinking. i wish you would tell me what i want to hear.

god, i don't even know why i like you. i just do. i can't even come up with legitimate convincing reasons. i just do. i just like you. and i don't know why. and i want to stop and i don't want to stop. you're the biggest egotistic guy i've ever met yet i can't get over you and it's really ridiculous.

maybe it's because i love the little things.

i love when you sing along to songs in your car.

i love how beautiful your eyes are.

i love that you play guitar.

i love when you hold my hand while you drive.

i love how you put your ego aside when it's just you and me.

i loved all those moments we had together.

i love when your hair is at that perfect length.

i love your voice.

i love it when we vc.

i love when you send me songs.

i love how you opened up to me.

i love when you're sweet.

i love that you showed me a different side.

i love that after 4 or 5 years, this finally happened.

i can't even say it's happening anymore. and i guess that's mostly my fault. i just felt like it was going nowhere. i don't know what i want right now. i don't know what i should do. i just wish you would tell me something reassuring. either good or bad. so i know what i need to do. i hate having to hear what i should do from other people. i just want you to tell me what to do.

i wish i could change you into what i want you to be. because there are things i really like about you. and then there are things that really tick me off about you. and i realize now, that maybe i should give up completely. forget about you. because i don't want to just be an option. i'm more than that. but that's all i can be for you. and i want you to tell me i'm more than that but i doubt i'll ever hear it.

i need to get over you.

but i can't.

this weekend was very interesting and crazy.

• o.j. kush
• i've never: strip
• streaking
• more kush
• tripping out
• fucked up out of our minds
• cigarettes
• dancing to invisible music
• good vibes
• alarms
• 4 am
• tans
• korean bbq all you can eat
• big blue bus
• haters
• alena fucking cohen
• walking until my feet hurt
• cup of noodles
• amazing comebacks

i know there's more i can't remember though. this weekend was crazy good. plus i got to see my best friend whom i haven't seen for a week. super horrible considering it's summer. i should be seeing her daily. i mish you already.

you know, summer would be so much better if i had a car. i pass up doing things because i don't have transportation. i really need to get on that. my permit is going to expire in a couple months too. i need to get off my lazy butt and sign up for my drivers test. plus then i'd be able to do so much more this summer.

FOUR YEARS

do you know why you're afraid of commitment?

it's because you're too scared to put anyone before yourself. you're too scared to care about someone more than you care about yourself. you only have time for you. not me. you have time to record your music or write new songs. but you don't have time for me. me. the girl who cares about you. the girl who likes you when many people don't. you're just pathetic. you aren't scared of commitment because of the fallout that could happen in the end. bullshit. you're scared because the thought of having to care about someone else, someone besides yourself, freaks you out. you love yourself more than you could ever love anyone else. that's why you won't find love. that's why i'm wasting my time.

i didn't need you to love me, i didn't want you to love me. i didn't need you to be my boyfriend, i was perfectly happy with how we were. i just needed, wanted, you to care. and you did, but not enough.

people warned me, i should have listened. taylor warned me. i should have listened.

i want a mature older guy that plays in a rock band and looks scruffy. that wears skinny jeans and sexy shirts. that smokes cigarettes and plays guitar. that has flippy hair that he doesn't brush often. that wears leather jackets and woven hats. that rides a motorcycle and writes songs. i want him to drink coffee in the morning while sitting on the windowsill smoking a cigarette. i want him to be tall and sexy. i want him to be completely bad for me.
yeah i know, it sounds really stupid.

fuck the bad boy. i just want a guy who's mature and knows what he wants.

100 things that make me happy

in no particular order

1. Alena Cohen

2. Lulu

2. Family

3. Kitties

4. Weird unusual pictures

5. Good music

6. Screaming along to songs

7. Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream

8. Attractive boys

9. Scruffy men

10. Soft shirts

11. Sunny Days

12. Chai Tea Lattes

13. Fuzzy socks

14. Late nights

15. Not giving a fuck

16. Obnoxious Christmas sweaters

17. Art

18. Morals

19. Maturity

20. Clothes and shoes

21. Old cars

22. Flea markets

23. Peaceful music

24. Bubble baths

25. Candles

26. Driving

27. Friends

28. Boys who smell good

29. Boys that know how to dress

30. Honesty

31. Guys that actually care

32. 11:27

33. Lake Tahoe

34. Dreamcatchers

35. Taking pictures

36. Coconut ice cream and popsicles

37. Pickles

38. Old photographs

39. God

40. Laughing

41. Beach

42. Kittehroulette.com

43. Good blogs

44. Meeting chill people

45. Vintage shops

46. Faux fur jackets

47. Texts and calls

48. Driving with the windows down and music blasting

49. Summer

50. Nighttime

51. Dates

52. Flirting

53. Inside jokes

54. Low key nights

55. Umeboshi

56. Holding hands

57. Cuddling with my kitty

58. Tumbling

59. Make - up

60. When the bass drops hard

61. When a guy plays the guitar for you

62. Sleeping in

63. Driving in the rain

64. Kissing

65. Free food

66. Lace

67. Magazines

68. Good "that's what she said" jokes

69. Trust

70. Applesauce

71. Singing in the shower

72. Postsecrets

73. Beautiful quotes

74. Songs I can relate to

75. Fashion

76. Kind people

77. When I say the same thing as someone at the same time

78. Good dreams

79. The smell after it rains

80. Making people happy

81. Compliments

82. Magic

83. Unexplainable moments

84. Kissing the boy you like for the first time

85. beautiful pictures

86. In-N-Out

87. Writing how I feel

88. Being chased by the one you like

89. Acing a test

90. Reading a good book

91. Guys who don't like PDA

92. Secrets

93. Good conversations

94. Sunsets and sunrises

95. Dancing

96. Beautiful love stories

97. Not being perfect

98. Intellect

99. Being comfortable enough to be myself

100. The fact that I have 100 things that make me happy

i'm having a dgaf summer. and it's been pretty damn good so far.

i think i'm getting over you little by little. we don't talk which helps. there's other guys around which helps. i'm going out and having fun which helps. i'm meeting new people which helps. but i know that the minute you text me or contact me, or the next time i see you, i'm just going to fall back into this same pathetic mind set of liking you.

talk to me, but don't talk to me

want me, but don't want me

stay away, but come to me

i literally have no fucking idea what to do anymore

because i know what's better for me but i don't know if that's what i want.

someone told me no one really cares. there's just that one person that's there and you keep going after them because there's no one better to go after. i don't know if that makes sense. but it did when he said it and it did when she said it. and it does in my mind.

whatever, i'm just crazy. why am i even wasting my time writing about you?

ugh, you are so full of shit.

sorry i'm lagging on the posting

It would be nice if you texted me sometime. Or called me sometime. Or maybe asked ME to hang out. Just saying. I mean, I don't expect you to because good things in my life never work out. But it would be nice. Maybe just tell me what's up instead of leaving me to question everything. Thanks.

i hate when you leave me confused.