you are so gay.

like really.

i fucking hate you.

but, i want you.

does everyone go through this? or is it just me....

i don't even know how to explain it. i'm not sad or depressed or hate my life or anything like that. i'm not even anything close to being suicidal or destructive to my body.

i just feel lost. confused. it's hard to put it into words. it's like this feeling where nothing makes sense and everything is just there but you can't really place it. i just want to disappear sometimes. to escape everything. to not be able to be in my mind. because i don't even know myself anymore. and it scares me. i don't know if everyone goes through something like this or if i'm just crazy. maybe i am crazy. maybe i have some problem. i really don't know. it just feels like i'm not really truly living. i don't even know what i want anymore. i'm confused. it's like i've changed so much. i don't even know myself anymore. and it frustrates me that it's impossible to put what i'm feeling into words. because i just want to be able to write it out or say it so maybe i can understand it. but i can't and it scares me shitless.

oh and i don't understand this...how can she get him...?

i don't get it.

i don't get why some guys just go for such ugly bitches........

it actually humors me the fact that she's intimidated; scared of me. i hooked up with him like three months ago. and now she and him are together as of what, two days ago..? and she's so paranoid that he likes me and she's trying to find shit out about me and him from my good friend. really bitch? please, you entertain me. i could have him if i wanted, trust me. but i don't. lucky you. yes, it does bother me that she and him are going out. because maybe i do have some sort of feelings for him. but i don't want him. i just don't want him and her together. i want to start shit just to humor myself. have a little fun. i really don't give a fuck what either of them think. he's not allowed to talk to me because she fears i will take him. maybe i should. just for kicks. but i'm not really that type of girl. i could go on and on telling the whole story but i'm not going to. they wan't to go out? fine. just leave me out of it. and i'm getting pulled into this and i don't need this bullshit in my life. i just think it's funny she's scared of me. power power power. watch yo back bitch. hahahahhahaha

the only thing that does hurt is how right i am. guys don't care about me. they just use me. how can she, the girl who sucks dick and hooks up endlessly; the girl who's hooked up with majority of the guys in my grade, get him? and i can't? that's the only pain. yet the only reason he won't date me is because our parents are so close and i smoke. she thinks if i stop smoking he'll want to be with me...maybe i should stop smoking just for kicks. it's a bad habit anyways. but if i stop smoking she will freak the fuck out. hahahaa

bitches me mothafucking trippin and all i'm doing is sitting back and enjoying it.

she told him he can't communicate with me....we'll see about that...HAHA

They're playing a lot of Taylor Swift on MTV right now. It's helping.

I'm a fucking happy person. After all the shit I've been through, I believe I am a strong person. But there's only so much shit I can take. And I fucking can't do this anymore. I'm always perfectly sane in the day. But at night I fucking scare myself. I hate what I'm becoming.

i don't know how i could ever send this to you anonymously so i'll put it here

"One day you’re going to want that specific girl back. That girl that knew she wasn’t perfect, but tried to be for you. That girl who wanted nothing more than to be there for you and love you the only way she knew she could. That girl who sees your flaws, but values them as much as your strengths. That girl who still can’t bring herself to hate you, even though you probably deserve it. That girl who saw past your pretty face and treasured parts of you that no one else appreciated. That girl who realizes she may never have your heart again, but will carry the image of you in hers forever. And by the time you realize that’s the girl you’re looking for, she’ll be with the person who already knew."

there's this boy on tumblr and all he does is post depressing posts about how he wants his ex back but she can't decide whether she wants him or not. i feel for him truly, but i think he's being blind. there's so much more to life then a teenage girl. anyways i wrote him this in his ask.

you have an entire blog dedicated to ranting about how your ex wants you but doesn't want you at the same time. a whole blog dedicated to heartbreak. your blog really isn't about the loss of your sister, but the loss of an ex that probably really isn't worth the shit you're going through. you're in high school. you're what, 16, 17? you have the rest of your life to find someone. i'm not saying you're an idiot because i've gone through something similar to what you are going through now. and i can tell you it's not worth it to sit around moping about your life and this girl who can't even give herself to you in any way. open your eyes. there's so many opportunities awaiting you. life isn't about a girl you think you love, it's about living. it's about the love from your family and your friends. you don't need a girl to be happy. you're young. you're going to regret wasting so much time waiting for her because if she hasn't taken you back already, what makes you think she will in the future? you shouldn't waste your high school years waiting for her. there are so many more important things in life than a teenage girl who can't make up her mind. letting go is a way of showing the most sincere amounts of love.

mine had an alien on it friday. but i really wanted the one with the diamond on it...

i've tried two drugs besides alcohol and cigarettes(since it's not really a drug).

i want to try two more.

no i don't want to fuck with acid or coke lines or any hardcore shit for the time being..

just s____a(it's legal) and s_____s. yeep.

both i will do soon.

FUCK SOBRIETY.

6 years. That, my dear, is a very long time.

Dear _______,

I know there's still something there. I feel it. And I know you do too. Why can't you just do something, say something. Anything. I just want you to tell me what happened between us, why it all became like this. Why it ended like that. Why you didn't even notice how it hurt me or how it affected me. Why didn't you care? Why didn't you put in effort? Why? That's what I truly want to know. Ease my mind a little bit.

Your confidence. Something I am so familiar with. And your sweetness and sincerity. Something I am also familiar with. Your car that I want to key every time I see. Your car that floods me with memories. Driving us to the hills where you kissed me. Where as pathetic as this sounds, I felt something. Your car where you sang along to "I Will Follow You Into The Dark" and Bright Eyes. Your car where you intertwined your fingers with mine. Your eyes. Those beautiful eyes that change from blue to green. Those beautiful eyes that I drown in. Those eyes that look at me and take me back. Take me back to something great, something I miss. Take me back to the pain and the reality of it all.

And I do go back, all the time. Back to the very start. Back to sixth grade when I was so intrigued by you. When I thought there was no one more attractive than you. Back to the time when we talked during class and you asked for my number. I remember it all. I remember the night you told me how you felt. How you were jealous that I was "involved" with someone else. I remember how you sent me songs and lyrics you wrote. I remember when you sent me that one song describing how I was "perfect for you". I remember when you let me wear your jacket and your hat. I remember the texts. I remember you putting your arms around me at the championship game. I remember the dates. I remember how you took me to the movies and didn't try to hook up with me. How I really respected and appreciated that. I remember that night on the couch watching the Laker game and eating pizza. How there was so much affection. How you put your walls down and talked about your situation and how you opened up to me more than you had with anyone else. How I wish I could go back and change that night to make it even more perfect. I remember when you told me you trusted me more than you trust your friends. I even remember when you had your flippy hair that you worked on for two hours every morning. I remember when you cut it and I gave you so much shit for it. I remember when I was in Mammoth and I was texting you and you told for the first time that you thought I was beautiful. I remember all the feelings you brought up in me, good and bad. I remember it all. The good memories when you made me feel so happy and the times you made me feel low. When you hurt me.

Why is it that I can't get over you? I've tried. All summer, all the way until now. And I'm still trying to. But it's so difficult, especially when you look at me every first period. Especially when you talk to me. Especially when I sit there and see you sitting over there. Especially when you make some stupid comment trying to be funny. Especially when you look good. Especially when you talk to me about some stupid topic trying to show off. Especially when it's just you being you. How can I get over you? How can I get over what we had? I simply can't and I really don't know why.

I feel like I saw the you that you hide. The side no one gets to see. I experienced the sincere looks and the tender touches. The holding of hands and the conversations. And I miss feeling your warmth and being able to just know that you had feelings for me. I miss you. So maybe it's all of this that prevents me from letting go. Maybe it's everything you've put me through. Because as much as I want to get over you and move on, I want to keep these feelings.

Sincerely,

Harlee

P.S. I'm sorry I let this happen. I didn't need you to be my boyfriend. I just wanted you to care.

you.

you.

you.

you.

you.

how do you get over someone? really, i wan't to know. because it seems impossible. i've tried not talking to you. i've tried distracting myself with a different guy. i've tried hating you. i've tried a lot of things. how do you get closure, is there really such a thing?

you.

you.

you.

you.

you.

i wish i could go back to the night and do things differently.

maybe it would change how things are now.

but probably not. i'd probably still not have you. even though i don't really want you. but i do.

no one understands.

Weed isn’t a way to run away from my problems. It helps me think about my problems thoroughly, find a solution for those problems, and eat food.

I think that was when I unconsciously gave you my heart. Because it wasn't about us, it was about me and my brokenness, it was about the well being of my soul and you cared about that. That's what made you different than the others. I tried to tell myself that you used me. Because I know how to deal with liars and pretenders and manipulators. Because I can cry and eat a pint of ice cream and say 'fuck boys' and then get over it. It's much harder to get over someone who at one point cared for me. And I'm not even sure if I know how but I'll do my best. I thought maybe that closure was the answer. But I don't even think this idea of closure even exists.

something is wrong with me. mentally. not like seriously, but at this moment. something is really bothering me and i can't place what it is. all i want to do is escape. escape my mind. escape this place. i feel like i really need to get away from l.a. and everyone in it. except my kitty lulu and my best friend alena. i want to take them and leave this depressing city. i want to escape my thoughts. get high and drink and other things so i don't have to think. i don't have to deal with everything that's bothering me even though i don't even know what exactly is bothering me. i just feel really weird. i slept all day today and it felt nice. i'm still exhausted and i think i'm going to go to sleep soon so i don't have to think. fuck thinking.

thank you rain, you keep me sane.

All that I know is that I don't know how to be something you miss

stop looking over here

stop looking attractive

Six months gone and I'm still reaching
Even though I know you're not there
I was playing back a thousand memories baby
Thinkin bout everything we've been through
Maybe I've been going back too much lately
When time stood still and I had you

Come back come back come back to me like
You would you would if this was a movie
Stand in the rain outside til I came out
Come back come back come back to me like
You could you could if you just said you're sorry
I know that we can work it out somehow
But if this was a movie you'd be here by now

just please stop looking over here