Even though I can't wait to move out of LA and start a new life somewhere, preferably San francisco, I'm completely terrified to. I know I will miss this city and all the special people and things and places more than anything. I will miss my family and my cat and my friends. But I'll especially miss my best friend. I just want her and my kitty to come with me. I don't know how to live without Alena. I don't know how I will survive without seeing her every weekend. Especially since SF is 6 hours away. And it makes me re think how far I actually want to go. That's why I can't wait until I find out what colleges I'm getting in to. But the thought of moving to SF excites me beyond words. I fell in love with the city and the way it made me feel. And it's exciting to think I'm leaving LA and high school. But I know when the time actually comes I won't know what to do with myself. I'll be terrified and sad and I know I will get so homesick. I really don't want to leave Alena. I really really really don't want to. Ugh. I want her to come with me! Ugh. It sucks that she's in a grade younger than me. Why couldn't she just be a senior too? Then we could both go somewhere. It sucks. Literally sucks. I know people say that they still remain friends with their best friends even when you move to a different city or state or even country for college. But my friendship with Alena is different from all those friendships. We've literally been best friends since before birth. She's my other half and the only person I can depend on to love me through whatever for the rest of my life. It scares the fuck out of me to think that I will be far from her. I don't know how to separate myself from her. And it honestly scares me more than anything that I'll go to a different city and we'll slowly fall apart and find new friends and replace each other. And I know that we'll always be best friends, I just don't want to lose the strong bond we have. It makes me sad. I want to go to SF. Really, I do. I just don't think I could be that far from my best friend. I don't want to be. And it tears me apart. I don't know what to do.

Ugh I really want you to ask me to prom. Honestly if you don't, I'll be fucking broken. I don't want to go with anyone but you. Fuck I wouldn't even consider feeling for anyone but you. You're so different...you're so out of line from what I want in a guy that it just makes me want you more. I don't understand my mind. And it kills me because I'm 95% sure you feel it too. I mean you always fucking look at me in class. You occasionally start up conversation with me. Just do something. Just ask me to prom. Just ask me to prom. Just ask me to prom. Just ask me to prom. I mean, who else would you take? So just ask me to prom.

I could make you happy make your dreams come true.

There's nothing that I wouldn't do.

Go to the ends of the earth for you.

To make you feel my love.

San Francisco was so amazing. The weather, the people, the cute little districts with the cute little flats and buildings. The whole feel of the city was just so lovely. 99% sure I'm moving there for college. I love it so much better there than here in LA. It's perfect.

(Bay Bridge)

(The view of the city from Twin Peaks)

(My friend's friend doing graffiti)


(The Painted Ladies)

It was just so amazing there. The atmosphere and the vibe of the whole city just made me feel so comfortable. I love love love it there; I didn't want to leave.

FORREALS YO

Don't you think it should mean something when I still want you even after everything you've put me through? How I still think you're worth it knowing that you couldn't ever be everything I want? How I know we won't have much time for each other and that you'll never care as much as I want you to and how there will always be this gap of uncertainty, but I still would risk the pain for you?

I think that should mean quite a lot. And I just want to tell you now. Let it all out. Because it's starting to really kill me. I don't want to let it go and never have you again....

your beautiful blue eyes

Today for the first time in my life my stomach turned, flipped, jumped, when I saw you.

You aren't perfect. Nothing close really. You're don't meet my 5'10 height preference. You're not sincere. Your ego is overly extensive. You think you're better than everyone else. You don't have a very big heart. You aren't the most respectful. You aren't beautiful. You don't care enough. You're not all that I look for in a person. Yet, no one amounts to you. No one can make me feel the way you do. The way you can still make me feel this anger and this hate and this pathetic longing for you without even doing anything but being just, around. Having to see you and hear your voice. The way it makes me hate myself more and more each day. The way there is no one I want more than you. And people think I'm crazy. Trust me, I know I am. People tell me I need to get over you. Trust me, no one knows that better than myself. But I just can't and there really is no explanation for it. You make me lose myself. And maybe something about that keeps me from moving on. No one understands, not even I. And it kills me. I literally have this empty pain in my body. And it's sad because I can't have any feelings for anyone else because of you. Not even a really great guy who would actually treat me right. It actually scares the fuck out of me how much he's beginning to care about me. I don't want him, I want you. And maybe it's this sadness and the way you didn't treat me right and how you're not nearly close to my expectations that makes me want you so much. And I know if I don't do anything about this I'm going to regret it. I've never felt this way about anyone before. This powerful hatred and attraction for someone at the same time. It scares me. But I just want you.

you are so gay.

like really.

i fucking hate you.

but, i want you.

does everyone go through this? or is it just me....

i don't even know how to explain it. i'm not sad or depressed or hate my life or anything like that. i'm not even anything close to being suicidal or destructive to my body.

i just feel lost. confused. it's hard to put it into words. it's like this feeling where nothing makes sense and everything is just there but you can't really place it. i just want to disappear sometimes. to escape everything. to not be able to be in my mind. because i don't even know myself anymore. and it scares me. i don't know if everyone goes through something like this or if i'm just crazy. maybe i am crazy. maybe i have some problem. i really don't know. it just feels like i'm not really truly living. i don't even know what i want anymore. i'm confused. it's like i've changed so much. i don't even know myself anymore. and it frustrates me that it's impossible to put what i'm feeling into words. because i just want to be able to write it out or say it so maybe i can understand it. but i can't and it scares me shitless.

oh and i don't understand this...how can she get him...?

i don't get it.

i don't get why some guys just go for such ugly bitches........

it actually humors me the fact that she's intimidated; scared of me. i hooked up with him like three months ago. and now she and him are together as of what, two days ago..? and she's so paranoid that he likes me and she's trying to find shit out about me and him from my good friend. really bitch? please, you entertain me. i could have him if i wanted, trust me. but i don't. lucky you. yes, it does bother me that she and him are going out. because maybe i do have some sort of feelings for him. but i don't want him. i just don't want him and her together. i want to start shit just to humor myself. have a little fun. i really don't give a fuck what either of them think. he's not allowed to talk to me because she fears i will take him. maybe i should. just for kicks. but i'm not really that type of girl. i could go on and on telling the whole story but i'm not going to. they wan't to go out? fine. just leave me out of it. and i'm getting pulled into this and i don't need this bullshit in my life. i just think it's funny she's scared of me. power power power. watch yo back bitch. hahahahhahaha

the only thing that does hurt is how right i am. guys don't care about me. they just use me. how can she, the girl who sucks dick and hooks up endlessly; the girl who's hooked up with majority of the guys in my grade, get him? and i can't? that's the only pain. yet the only reason he won't date me is because our parents are so close and i smoke. she thinks if i stop smoking he'll want to be with me...maybe i should stop smoking just for kicks. it's a bad habit anyways. but if i stop smoking she will freak the fuck out. hahahaa

bitches me mothafucking trippin and all i'm doing is sitting back and enjoying it.

she told him he can't communicate with me....we'll see about that...HAHA

They're playing a lot of Taylor Swift on MTV right now. It's helping.

I'm a fucking happy person. After all the shit I've been through, I believe I am a strong person. But there's only so much shit I can take. And I fucking can't do this anymore. I'm always perfectly sane in the day. But at night I fucking scare myself. I hate what I'm becoming.

i don't know how i could ever send this to you anonymously so i'll put it here

"One day you’re going to want that specific girl back. That girl that knew she wasn’t perfect, but tried to be for you. That girl who wanted nothing more than to be there for you and love you the only way she knew she could. That girl who sees your flaws, but values them as much as your strengths. That girl who still can’t bring herself to hate you, even though you probably deserve it. That girl who saw past your pretty face and treasured parts of you that no one else appreciated. That girl who realizes she may never have your heart again, but will carry the image of you in hers forever. And by the time you realize that’s the girl you’re looking for, she’ll be with the person who already knew."

there's this boy on tumblr and all he does is post depressing posts about how he wants his ex back but she can't decide whether she wants him or not. i feel for him truly, but i think he's being blind. there's so much more to life then a teenage girl. anyways i wrote him this in his ask.

you have an entire blog dedicated to ranting about how your ex wants you but doesn't want you at the same time. a whole blog dedicated to heartbreak. your blog really isn't about the loss of your sister, but the loss of an ex that probably really isn't worth the shit you're going through. you're in high school. you're what, 16, 17? you have the rest of your life to find someone. i'm not saying you're an idiot because i've gone through something similar to what you are going through now. and i can tell you it's not worth it to sit around moping about your life and this girl who can't even give herself to you in any way. open your eyes. there's so many opportunities awaiting you. life isn't about a girl you think you love, it's about living. it's about the love from your family and your friends. you don't need a girl to be happy. you're young. you're going to regret wasting so much time waiting for her because if she hasn't taken you back already, what makes you think she will in the future? you shouldn't waste your high school years waiting for her. there are so many more important things in life than a teenage girl who can't make up her mind. letting go is a way of showing the most sincere amounts of love.

mine had an alien on it friday. but i really wanted the one with the diamond on it...

i've tried two drugs besides alcohol and cigarettes(since it's not really a drug).

i want to try two more.

no i don't want to fuck with acid or coke lines or any hardcore shit for the time being..

just s____a(it's legal) and s_____s. yeep.

both i will do soon.

FUCK SOBRIETY.