I FEEL SO MUCH YET FEEL NOTHING AT ALL

“He fell to the seat, she by his side. There were no more words. The stars were beginning to shine. How was it that the birds sing, that the snow melts, that the rose opens, that May blooms, that the dawns whitens behind the black trees on the shivering summit of the hills?
One kiss, and that was all. 
Both trembled, and they looked at each other in the darkness with brilliant eyes. 
They felt neither the cool night, nor the cold stone, nor the damp ground, nor the wet grass; they looked at each other, and their hearts were full of thought. They had clasped hands, without knowing it. 
She did not ask him; did not even think where and how he had managed to get into the garden. It seemed so natural to her that he should be there. 
From time to time Marius’ knee touched Cosette’s. A touch that thrilled. 
At times, Cosette faltered out a word. Her soul trembled on her lips like a drop of dew on a flower. 
Gradually, they began to talk. Overflow succeeded to silence, which is fullness. The night was serene and glorious above their heads. These two beings, pure as spirits, told each other everything, their dreams, their frenzies, their ecstasies, their chimeras, their despondencies, how they had adored each other from afar, how they had longed for each other, their despair when they had ceased to see each other. They had confided to each other in an intimacy of the ideal, which already, nothing could have increased, all that was most hidden and most mysterious in themselves. They told each other, with a candid faith in their illusions, all that love, youth and the remnant of childhood that was theirs, brought to mind. These two hearts poured themselves out to each other, so that at the end of an hour, it was the young man who had the young girl’s soul and the young girl who had the soul of the young man. They interpenetrated, they enchanted, they dazzled each other. 
When they had finished, when they had told each other everything, she laid her head on his shoulder, and asked him: “What is your name?” 
My name is Marius,” he said. “And yours?” 
My name is Cosette.”

Victor Hugo, Les Misérables 

I care but really I don't care at all. It affects me in that moment and then I really don't give a fuck. It fluctuates. It amazes me how much I just don't give a shit. You affect me more than anyone yet you don't affect me at all....odd...

I love the way you look at me

Everyone asked me if I was pissed that you completely just dipped without saying anything to me when I was the one who invited you. Last year I would have been. But that's just you, that's just how you are. I'm not mad. I'm learning how to not care anymore.

I've been telling myself that I would post a legit post for the past 4 days and I just haven't had the time or the want to. But now I'm sitting in APES bored out of my fucking mind and about to do practice free response essays since the AP test in monday. But I really couldn't give two fucks because I know I'm failing it anyways. I haven't done one single thing to prepare for my APs. Except AP Studio Art which I will hopefully at least get a 3 on. But we'll see because my portfolio was rushed and shit. IDGAF literally. I'm so done with school it's not even funny. I'm ready to graduate and leave. I hate everyone here anyways. 


I'm starting to go back to it all. The feelings and everything. I hate feelings, really I do. They suck. I just want to like myself but I can't even do that. – I liked falling asleep on the couch with you and laying there with your arms around me the entire night and finding both of us in the same positions snuggled into your chest in the morning. I like silence between us because I just get annoyed when you talk about your music and work so just laying there in silence with our bodies doing the communication, that was lovely. 


I wreak of nostalgia.
And I'm really hungry and feel nauseous.


(It's now late at night but when I wrote this it was about 1 p.m. Jusssayinn)

YOU TEXTED ME FIRST TODAY!! Out of nowhere for no reason at all because you probably just wanted to talk to me....and then my phone died. HAH


It's really sad that I'm getting excited over you texting me first.........since we like...never text.....
..............we only talk with our tongues...........
hahahahhaha
I know you're dying right now Alena hahahaha (I exaggerated this a little just so you would haha)




Well here's my long over due post...haha
I say haha too much haha.......haha

I finally feel like I'm getting over you. Little by little at least. Last weekend I was talking to David about how I was hopelessly unable to get over you. I told him that I hated the way you were around your peers and I liked the way you were when it was only me and you. And he told me how I think that's the real you. I think you're really this sincere guy but that's not who you truly are and it makes sense. You would be your true self around your friends that you are completely comfortable around and that person you are in front of them is not the you I'm attracted to. Maybe smoking with you really was the trigger to move on or maybe it was what David said. I realized that I was being unrealistic. You will never act the way I would want you to act or be the person I would want you to be. It just doesn't work out like that. I can't even explain what I'm feeling right now. In a way I'm relieved that I'm realizing all of this, but at the same time it terrifies and saddens me. And I hope this won't make me go back to being infatuated with you, I know getting over you is what I need most. But it just aches a little to not have those feelings I did just last week for you. You weren't at school today and maybe it's helping, or maybe when I see you next all the feelings will come rushing back. I really want to say that I won't let them, because I do know that he could never be all that I want him to be but I just don't know if I'll ever be able to fully let go of the idea of him.

Even though I can't wait to move out of LA and start a new life somewhere, preferably San francisco, I'm completely terrified to. I know I will miss this city and all the special people and things and places more than anything. I will miss my family and my cat and my friends. But I'll especially miss my best friend. I just want her and my kitty to come with me. I don't know how to live without Alena. I don't know how I will survive without seeing her every weekend. Especially since SF is 6 hours away. And it makes me re think how far I actually want to go. That's why I can't wait until I find out what colleges I'm getting in to. But the thought of moving to SF excites me beyond words. I fell in love with the city and the way it made me feel. And it's exciting to think I'm leaving LA and high school. But I know when the time actually comes I won't know what to do with myself. I'll be terrified and sad and I know I will get so homesick. I really don't want to leave Alena. I really really really don't want to. Ugh. I want her to come with me! Ugh. It sucks that she's in a grade younger than me. Why couldn't she just be a senior too? Then we could both go somewhere. It sucks. Literally sucks. I know people say that they still remain friends with their best friends even when you move to a different city or state or even country for college. But my friendship with Alena is different from all those friendships. We've literally been best friends since before birth. She's my other half and the only person I can depend on to love me through whatever for the rest of my life. It scares the fuck out of me to think that I will be far from her. I don't know how to separate myself from her. And it honestly scares me more than anything that I'll go to a different city and we'll slowly fall apart and find new friends and replace each other. And I know that we'll always be best friends, I just don't want to lose the strong bond we have. It makes me sad. I want to go to SF. Really, I do. I just don't think I could be that far from my best friend. I don't want to be. And it tears me apart. I don't know what to do.

Ugh I really want you to ask me to prom. Honestly if you don't, I'll be fucking broken. I don't want to go with anyone but you. Fuck I wouldn't even consider feeling for anyone but you. You're so different...you're so out of line from what I want in a guy that it just makes me want you more. I don't understand my mind. And it kills me because I'm 95% sure you feel it too. I mean you always fucking look at me in class. You occasionally start up conversation with me. Just do something. Just ask me to prom. Just ask me to prom. Just ask me to prom. Just ask me to prom. I mean, who else would you take? So just ask me to prom.

I could make you happy make your dreams come true.

There's nothing that I wouldn't do.

Go to the ends of the earth for you.

To make you feel my love.

San Francisco was so amazing. The weather, the people, the cute little districts with the cute little flats and buildings. The whole feel of the city was just so lovely. 99% sure I'm moving there for college. I love it so much better there than here in LA. It's perfect.

(Bay Bridge)

(The view of the city from Twin Peaks)

(My friend's friend doing graffiti)


(The Painted Ladies)

It was just so amazing there. The atmosphere and the vibe of the whole city just made me feel so comfortable. I love love love it there; I didn't want to leave.

FORREALS YO

Don't you think it should mean something when I still want you even after everything you've put me through? How I still think you're worth it knowing that you couldn't ever be everything I want? How I know we won't have much time for each other and that you'll never care as much as I want you to and how there will always be this gap of uncertainty, but I still would risk the pain for you?

I think that should mean quite a lot. And I just want to tell you now. Let it all out. Because it's starting to really kill me. I don't want to let it go and never have you again....

your beautiful blue eyes

Today for the first time in my life my stomach turned, flipped, jumped, when I saw you.

You aren't perfect. Nothing close really. You're don't meet my 5'10 height preference. You're not sincere. Your ego is overly extensive. You think you're better than everyone else. You don't have a very big heart. You aren't the most respectful. You aren't beautiful. You don't care enough. You're not all that I look for in a person. Yet, no one amounts to you. No one can make me feel the way you do. The way you can still make me feel this anger and this hate and this pathetic longing for you without even doing anything but being just, around. Having to see you and hear your voice. The way it makes me hate myself more and more each day. The way there is no one I want more than you. And people think I'm crazy. Trust me, I know I am. People tell me I need to get over you. Trust me, no one knows that better than myself. But I just can't and there really is no explanation for it. You make me lose myself. And maybe something about that keeps me from moving on. No one understands, not even I. And it kills me. I literally have this empty pain in my body. And it's sad because I can't have any feelings for anyone else because of you. Not even a really great guy who would actually treat me right. It actually scares the fuck out of me how much he's beginning to care about me. I don't want him, I want you. And maybe it's this sadness and the way you didn't treat me right and how you're not nearly close to my expectations that makes me want you so much. And I know if I don't do anything about this I'm going to regret it. I've never felt this way about anyone before. This powerful hatred and attraction for someone at the same time. It scares me. But I just want you.