6 years. That, my dear, is a very long time.

Dear _______,

I know there's still something there. I feel it. And I know you do too. Why can't you just do something, say something. Anything. I just want you to tell me what happened between us, why it all became like this. Why it ended like that. Why you didn't even notice how it hurt me or how it affected me. Why didn't you care? Why didn't you put in effort? Why? That's what I truly want to know. Ease my mind a little bit.

Your confidence. Something I am so familiar with. And your sweetness and sincerity. Something I am also familiar with. Your car that I want to key every time I see. Your car that floods me with memories. Driving us to the hills where you kissed me. Where as pathetic as this sounds, I felt something. Your car where you sang along to "I Will Follow You Into The Dark" and Bright Eyes. Your car where you intertwined your fingers with mine. Your eyes. Those beautiful eyes that change from blue to green. Those beautiful eyes that I drown in. Those eyes that look at me and take me back. Take me back to something great, something I miss. Take me back to the pain and the reality of it all.

And I do go back, all the time. Back to the very start. Back to sixth grade when I was so intrigued by you. When I thought there was no one more attractive than you. Back to the time when we talked during class and you asked for my number. I remember it all. I remember the night you told me how you felt. How you were jealous that I was "involved" with someone else. I remember how you sent me songs and lyrics you wrote. I remember when you sent me that one song describing how I was "perfect for you". I remember when you let me wear your jacket and your hat. I remember the texts. I remember you putting your arms around me at the championship game. I remember the dates. I remember how you took me to the movies and didn't try to hook up with me. How I really respected and appreciated that. I remember that night on the couch watching the Laker game and eating pizza. How there was so much affection. How you put your walls down and talked about your situation and how you opened up to me more than you had with anyone else. How I wish I could go back and change that night to make it even more perfect. I remember when you told me you trusted me more than you trust your friends. I even remember when you had your flippy hair that you worked on for two hours every morning. I remember when you cut it and I gave you so much shit for it. I remember when I was in Mammoth and I was texting you and you told for the first time that you thought I was beautiful. I remember all the feelings you brought up in me, good and bad. I remember it all. The good memories when you made me feel so happy and the times you made me feel low. When you hurt me.

Why is it that I can't get over you? I've tried. All summer, all the way until now. And I'm still trying to. But it's so difficult, especially when you look at me every first period. Especially when you talk to me. Especially when I sit there and see you sitting over there. Especially when you make some stupid comment trying to be funny. Especially when you look good. Especially when you talk to me about some stupid topic trying to show off. Especially when it's just you being you. How can I get over you? How can I get over what we had? I simply can't and I really don't know why.

I feel like I saw the you that you hide. The side no one gets to see. I experienced the sincere looks and the tender touches. The holding of hands and the conversations. And I miss feeling your warmth and being able to just know that you had feelings for me. I miss you. So maybe it's all of this that prevents me from letting go. Maybe it's everything you've put me through. Because as much as I want to get over you and move on, I want to keep these feelings.

Sincerely,

Harlee

P.S. I'm sorry I let this happen. I didn't need you to be my boyfriend. I just wanted you to care.

you.

you.

you.

you.

you.

how do you get over someone? really, i wan't to know. because it seems impossible. i've tried not talking to you. i've tried distracting myself with a different guy. i've tried hating you. i've tried a lot of things. how do you get closure, is there really such a thing?

you.

you.

you.

you.

you.

i wish i could go back to the night and do things differently.

maybe it would change how things are now.

but probably not. i'd probably still not have you. even though i don't really want you. but i do.

no one understands.

Weed isn’t a way to run away from my problems. It helps me think about my problems thoroughly, find a solution for those problems, and eat food.

I think that was when I unconsciously gave you my heart. Because it wasn't about us, it was about me and my brokenness, it was about the well being of my soul and you cared about that. That's what made you different than the others. I tried to tell myself that you used me. Because I know how to deal with liars and pretenders and manipulators. Because I can cry and eat a pint of ice cream and say 'fuck boys' and then get over it. It's much harder to get over someone who at one point cared for me. And I'm not even sure if I know how but I'll do my best. I thought maybe that closure was the answer. But I don't even think this idea of closure even exists.

something is wrong with me. mentally. not like seriously, but at this moment. something is really bothering me and i can't place what it is. all i want to do is escape. escape my mind. escape this place. i feel like i really need to get away from l.a. and everyone in it. except my kitty lulu and my best friend alena. i want to take them and leave this depressing city. i want to escape my thoughts. get high and drink and other things so i don't have to think. i don't have to deal with everything that's bothering me even though i don't even know what exactly is bothering me. i just feel really weird. i slept all day today and it felt nice. i'm still exhausted and i think i'm going to go to sleep soon so i don't have to think. fuck thinking.

thank you rain, you keep me sane.

All that I know is that I don't know how to be something you miss

stop looking over here

stop looking attractive

Six months gone and I'm still reaching
Even though I know you're not there
I was playing back a thousand memories baby
Thinkin bout everything we've been through
Maybe I've been going back too much lately
When time stood still and I had you

Come back come back come back to me like
You would you would if this was a movie
Stand in the rain outside til I came out
Come back come back come back to me like
You could you could if you just said you're sorry
I know that we can work it out somehow
But if this was a movie you'd be here by now

just please stop looking over here

SUCCESSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!

oooohweeeee :-D:-b:-B:-3:-P:-X:-S:-O:-I:-E:-Q:-):-(:-*:-&:-$:-!:-0:-8:-1:~D:=D 8====D~~

wowwowowow

i got out of school at 10:40 today and i get home and i'm really looking forward to smoking a bowl and relaxing and watching tv and then my dad gets home. so now i can't do that unless he leaves to go back to work. fuck life.

shit.

Dear Alena,

I'm really glad my weekends involve you. We're best friends and I only get to see you on weekends. That's why they are dedicated to you. Because it's lame how that's the only time I get to see you. And I can say, weekends with you are fun as fuck. And I usually don't remember them because we've become those girls we used to hate when we were 12. But hay, we're having fun not being sober so fuck it all.

I love you. Really. Don't ever die, live forever. Because as long as you're alive, I am too.

And it's a good thing no one really reads this blog or everyone would think we're lesbian. haha but of course we're not. We're best friends, sisters. And that's the best kind of love because it's the only kind that lasts forever. Because it's the only love with fighting for. Because we're best friends and we always have been, from the beginning and it's will be forever. Because it has to be, we have no choice. We're best friends for life and everyone has to accept that, even though I'm pretty sure everyone hates us. We have the best friendship and I actually truly believe that. There is no friendship that amounts to ours. I love you best friend. Really, I do.

lol chris is awkwardly is this

because alena made a post like she promised to...

this break was pretty awesome and sucky at the same time.

FRIDAY

• school then practice
• went to alena's
• ari came over to deliver the goods.
• pineapple express(best shit), sour D, og kush
• went to taco bell. the cheese quesadilla is legit.
• went back to alena's smoked then slept.

SATURDAY

• breakfast and shizznitz
• went to westside mall for christmas shopping
• toked on some random street near the mall
• went back to lena's
• had small kickback
• crossfaded? lol
• sesh
• HAPPYFACE

SUNDAY

• community service
• starbucks
• can't remember the rest of the day

MONDAY

• practice
• chill with ea
• locke game: really fucking scary. so ghetto. saw a guy with a tear drop tattoo
• go with ea to get the goods

TUESDAY

• doctors appointments
• go to eas
• get the extra goods
• smoke sesh/pillpoppers/monster
• trippin mad fucking ballz
• HAMSTERS????
• wtf...

WED-THURS

• shit and apps and nothing too fun

FRIDAY

• practice
• finish my apps and submit them
• go goodwill shopping!! :-) lovely finds: skirt, cute skanky shirt, fucking tight bomber jacket
• alena comes to pick my ass up
• target shopping!
• alena's house.
• sawtell stop to buy cigarettes, alcohol, and boba
• smoke sesh with alena and my second mama LOL
• watch movie which i don't remember what happened in it
• smoke then sleep?

SATURDAY

• breakfast
• smoke
• ari coming over.
• lemon D
• going with ari to pick up people and go places
• idk too high to know what's going on
• culver city
• taco bell
• home with alena
• huge sesh big bowls
• shots!
• too high/drunk to remember anything or why or what or when or anything

SUNDAY

• community service
• CVS
• dinner
• debating if i should smoke a bowl but i think i won't. :-)

i love not remembering what happened the night before and then the night before that and soon not remembering anything.

The bros

So there's this group of indie fuckers that i met and pretty much associated myself with during summer. I used to think they were somewhat alright. At least they didn't have lame ass parties with no alcohol or other drug usage. They had 40s and four lokos and vodka shots. Coke lines, marijuana, acid, ecstasy, and other pills.

They all met over summer and now it's like they're obsessed with each other. Completely obsessed. Like they had no friends before. Every time one of them posts a facebook status they all go and like it. Like really guys...you've known each other for three or four months...you aren't best friends. They're all sketchy people. They say they're such good friends but really none of them would go out of their way for one another. Most of them are just lame wannabe hipsters. They wear the clothes but if they didn't have a somewhat good sense of fashion, they'd all just be losers. They're obsessed with each other. It actually scares me. I mean I don't hate them. I actually quite like a few of them. They're just sketch as fuck.

tried something new last night...

:-D

you feel really fucking good.

I FEEL REALLY FUCKING GOOD.

so i started watching skins.

so

fucking

good

So tonight I went to see Paranormal Activity 2 (the Sequel) and when we parked the car, Syd forgot to roll up her window so we made sure all the windows were up. (Yes, this has to be stated). So we went to see the movie which was kind of scary. We screamed a few times and got a lot of dirty looks for making too much noise but it made the whole original Paranormal Activity make sense. Anyways during the movie, there was this part when the inside of the house gets destroyed and they think it was a brake-in but nothing was taken from the house. Then there was a part when shit happens and an 'R' sticker is taken from a name on the door. And lastly, there's a part where the daughter is playing the ouija board and it spells out 'pussy'.

Okay so when we got to the car, the window was open. Fucking open. When we closed it... And we literally spent 10 minutes freaking out and none of us would get in the car. Plus absolutely nothing was taken from the car. Not the ipod or the bags. So finally we sucked it up and got in the car. Then as we were driving out we drove passed the elevator sign but it said 'ESCALATOP'. The 'R' was partially missing and we all freaked the fuck out. Then when we put a song on, it scared the crap out of us and we all screamed. Then the song kept having the word 'pussy' in it which freaked us out even more. With all this shit happening right after seeing the movie I was literally so scared. I was on the verge of crying. Tonight was so scary.

Maybe the window was accidentally left open but I'm 99% sure it wasn't. I don't know. It's just really fucking creepy.

fucking cunt

really...you're going to get the exact same hair as me...like exactly the same...

first its trying to be my good friend

but you're so much younger. and you're immature. i'm just nice.

then it's knowing every single thing about me...

all my favorite stores, what i love, what i hate..and somehow trying to incorporate everything about me into your life.

then it's the words

then it's trying to dress like me...but you fail at that

then it's calling me bestfriend.

we aren't best friends

then it's obsessively talking about me with your friends

now it's the hair.

my hair. you've crossed the line

i made a huge mistake being so nice. even telling you a lot about what's going on in my life. it's like everything i ever told you, you have somehow made it into your life. a part of your life. you're starting to hook up with boys because i told you some of my stories...like really....this is getting annoying. but copying my hair...that's a bit much don't you think? i've had my hair like this for almost two years...everyone's going to know you copied mine. i love my hair and i'm not changing it so you better change yours.

get some originality bitch.